#one drama. one drama where they dont leave me emotionally destroyed is all i ask of chang wook and bibi

[mahi-wayy]

*lays on the floor* I'm gonna need three business days to recover from whatever the fuck that just happened.

[satyrcon]

u guys the boy drama in my life has seriously become too much too handle

heres an index of all the men in my life, who love me, but ultimately disappoint me

RC - capricorn 

 my semi boyfriend last summer. we met on tinder, but ended up working at the same restaurant and started seeing each other casually or at least i thought cos one day he called me his fucking girlfriend and me, scared, just went along with it, even tho once he went back to school in september ive seen him approx. 4 times. he still messages me from time to time, and still talks to me like im his girlfriend even tho its clear that we aren’t. i like him too much as a person to cut things off esp since hes going thru some mental health shit in his life rn. the dilemma is that hes coming home from school soon and i eventually have to face him and be honest that i dont like him the same way he likes me

pros: turned me onto jazz music, a capricorn, an altogether nice person with a really easy going personality, free weed all the time

cons: treats his body worse than i do my own, awkward and clumsy therefore embarrassing to be around, shamefully small penis, smokes ONLY batch bowls, neurotic 

FP - aries 

the man whomst i yearn for. met him in december and sucked his dick in an empty classroom the same day i met him. he is truly the man of my dreams too bad he is so scared of a relationship that he’ll actually rather me kill myself then admit ANY feelings he has for me or lack of. last time i saw him was over a month ago, and we both expressed how we felt for each other and he hasnt made an effort to see me since. hes leaving for italy for a month and asked me what i wanted so im confused as to where we stand...

pros: smart, same sense of humour as me, sociable, good looking, ginormous, life changing dick, 

cons: extremely hard to talk to, emotionally damaged, vindictive 

JB - aquarius  

charming, boyish, and hysterically funny guy i met off tinder. from meeting him we’ve developed a really great friendship that has never been too flirtacious but just enough that im kept on my toes at all times, which ive come to discover that i really like. when i’m alone he will go out of his way to make plans with me. he is esoteric and full of life. all weve done is made out and do some heavy petting but we also did acid together so i feel like we’re on this strange level of closeness that if we do have sex something it will either destroy whatever we have going on or actually change my life. 

pros: good looking, easy going, great sense of humour, charming and incredibly sociable, always got good drugs, 

cons: too immature at times, can’t see him settling down anytime soon, if we do have sex it could make or break our entire relationship 

CB - taurus? 

me and this guy started talking on instagram around last year, it started off as sexting and flirting but after a few months became a genuine friendship. hes a recent graduate, has a job and his own place but for some reason i’ve put off seeing him as i just didn’t really feel like it tbh. we finally have a date set up [for tomorrow!] and im kind of excited even tho im unsure of what the repercussions will be.

pros: good looking even tho hes not my type per se, has his own place which could be good if we continue to be fwb, comes from a good family, i’ve known him for a year so get along well

cons: dont know how he is IRL, even tho he is good looking i just feel like he won’t be my type, 

[anathemanonymous]

A black hole in the center of each galaxy holds it all together by gravity. If you get too close to the edge of this mysteriously dark force, you god damn bet you will be destroyed. Its pull is inescapable.

This is what it feels like for a codependent empath to be in a relationship with an oblivious narcissist.

After 16 years I was on the brink of self destruction.

He doesn't want me to leave. Nor is he willing or able to treat me right. He will hold me here. Suspended.

My gut and my heart are left with no choice. Resort to survival mode. Years of enduring, in fight or flight mode - forced to find escape or perish.

Well, I fawned, of course, while constantly running in place, for years. I exhausted myself, trying to stay in a toxic situation. Covering up. Miserable. Cut off.

I suppose it has made me proficient at every method of self preservation.

I capably fixed, resentfully mended, disappointedly looked the other way, sucessfully minimized, shut my heart off, closed down my instincts, ignored red flags, rosily smiled as if this lack of support and constant criticism was all normal.

I invisibly and wearily attempted to control, endlessly argued and slammed doors, begged and cried and pleaded, sought therapy and struggled to cope, yelled at a wall for hours, handled all the responsibility and carried all the weight. For 16 years.

Nearing the edge of a lifetime achievement of a second or third mental and emotional breakdown, as if the first one taught me nothing.

I wondered if the values I sought were probably just imaginary things like open communication, respect, equal responsibility, growth, acceptance, forgiveness, friendship, love, support.

A voice from within:

This is my one lifetime. Its my life. I have a choice. My feelings are valid. I deserve to be treated with respect. I need to be honest with myself. This is not healthy. I cant fix it. This is not the way I want to feel the rest of my life. I am tired of being ignored, tested and detested. Unseen. Dishonored. Obligated. I dont even believe in marriage! This contempt he is having towards me feels eerily familiar...

I'm choosing a different direction.

Small doses of oxygen:

It felt like drowning while knowing it is possible to walk on water. It felt like being pulled underwater by the person that swam with me into the depths. Then hung on me and quit swimming, until I exhausted and became numb to being pulled under water. We both went down. Because he refused to let go. And I didnt want him to.

I had a sense of profound faith to believe everything in life could be done peacefully. I was ok with creating some distance even while idealizing and avoiding a finality. Doing it with love. Quietly...tip toeing away from my responsibility to him. I thought I could get away, stop sacrificing myself to win him over.

Lets exist in the gray. No black or white clean-cut edges, no permanent severing necessary.

I need to get away from myself. I don't want to face the inevitable challenge of separation. Who will I be? I've only focused on him for so long!

I know the need to be away from him, away from the daily stress.

I cant decide. I cant make a move. I am frozen. It feels familiar.

I want less pain, to do no harm. I need to go.

I avoid the well worn path of court-dictated divorce. Not sure I need one. I avoid the attorney's office, because they are only there-to-take advantage of our adversarial nature. I must never ever involve the courts, they will expose him. They will not dictate my life. I wont drag his name through the mud. I promise.

Just let me get my own place. We can stop fighting all the time. It will help us get along. I just need some distance. To clear my mind.

I have to find a way around being the cause of the kinds of permanent damage that my parents created. Three of their children now mid life, all diagnosed with complex ptsd from seperate doctors. Just beginning to realize the patterns of triggers. The damage to intimacy.

I am certain of my capacity to love deeper, to thereby prove society wrong. Prove that breaking up a shitty marriage does not have to entail creating mass destruction and trauma. I wouldn't expose him. I can create a safeway to prevent a nuclear family from becoming a nuclear bomb. I just need time, to breathe and be alone in a peaceful environment.

Determined to prove that separation can be accomplished win-win: because I am creative at finding fucking solutions. Because by god, I am doing the right thing. I will remain gentle. I will not report the abusive tactics. I will never tell on him or tarnishhis precious reputation.

I access legal separation agreement forms online, and fill them out myself. No lawyers. No drama. I will give him the house. I never asked for child support. In trade for my freedom.

A voice from within:

Go. Let the pieces fall where they may. I am a survivor. I've lost everything before. I've died many times in this one lifetime. I have always been reborn. I will reemerge.

I walked away. I got a shitty little apartment.

It took me several years to finally face the fact that leaving was necessary. It was the last resort as the only way to protect my sanity. I did not confront this entirely directly. I detached emotionally inch by inch. I left the door open...

That was a mistake. My wishy washy avoidance of making decisions inevitably ends with having to finalize a permanent severing of contact.

We have to be enemies openly now. Instead of just behind closed doors.